Its never simple never easy.

So today was a really rough day. I dont know why I have been thinking of my mawmaw so much. Its been 1 month and 12 days since ive held her hand, and heard her breathing, holding on to that slightest sign of life that she had, since ive heard her say "be careful." I miss seeing her watch me leave, looking in her eyes, talking to her, I miss everything about her. So I needa write.

Im trying to write a poem or put some lyrics together.. BUT I dont know where to start.

I got through a couple weeks,
Thought Id be okay..
But now it's so hard not having you everyday.
I never cried so hard and so long,
so this is my tears writing this song.

Looking at pictures of how it used to be,
my heart breaks everytime because its what i want to see.
Hearing your voice on videos seems so unreal
Sometimes I dont want to breathe, but i have to breathe and that's not how i want to feel
I wish you could just walk back to me
hold me and make me happy.

BLAH! I dont know. Im done. for now. until i can think of more.

Everyone Always Leaves

So my mawmaw died on November 3rd. My life is so rediculous insane that I cant even remember if I blogged about it. I have been so lonely without her. its like my life is gone lately. Shes the first person that Ive ever lost, and it hurts really bad. I think it would help if I had someone that I could console in but... she was that person for me. I never have relationships.. REAL relationships that I can actually console in.. have someone to hold me and love me... that was her for me... all the time. From when i was a baby, to now. It sucks knowing shes not here, but as much as I know shes not, I feel like she still is .. and I guess part of me still has a hope that she will come back home to me one day.

I am just so stressed out.. and I think it stress's me out more when people that I care about and turn to for help and guidance make fun of me for saying "im stressed out" ... like ... they tell me im to young to even know what stress is. Im freakin 20 .. and probably have just as much if not more stress than anyone older than me. I am a full time college student, have been working 60 hours a week, and working out... plus i had a part time job acting and modeling, AND another part time job at the end of december. I NEVER have time to myeslf, to just put myself together and get everything clear. Its just aggravating. My mom has been my rock fsince alllll of this craziness began, and i dont know if I could do this without her.

On that note.. sometimes I feel like I just wanna move away and illimate all the negative things in my life.. but by doing that, Im also eliminating some of the positive... so how do i get rid of the negative without losing the positive? I dont. I feel like alcohol is one of the main problems in my family and I cant stand it. I dont drink very often and when i do .. I dont pick fights with loved ones just because I want to. Its so freaking frustrating to have someone you love come home and before even saying hi... or hello... they try to pick a fight. SO AGGRAVATING ! I think thats why I cant do realtionsthips.. because Im afraid. I KNOW thats why I cant. I cant run from the things I hate, and I cant get rid of it.. so my life is gonna suck until someone admits they have a problem and stops DRINKING! Enough.

On the positive side, I have been praying every night to St Therese, and I think that she is REALLY helping me get through this state of emtions with my mawmaw. She is holding my hand and touching my heart every step .. every tear.. every moment of every day. My mawmaw is here. She is with us, and I know she is happy :)... I just wish she could still be happy with us.

We also got a huge flat screen, HD tv.. today... and its gorgeous.. had the house to myself for like 2 hours after work.. NICE RELAXATION .. in a room and tv me nor my family ever gets to see because my dad always hogs it. AND GUESS WHAT... THE SANTA CLAUSE CAME ON! i was SOOO excited! MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE.. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR... LET ALONG ONE OF MY FAV. MOVIES OF ALL TIME.. IS THE SANTA CLAUSE... so i was super happy! I remember watching that when i was a little girl and my mawmaw would be there... gosh.. i miss her. MY FAVORITE PART... AT LEAST ONE..
SEEING ISNT BELIEVING, BELIEVING IS SEEING.

Love= well... as you more than likely know by now. Im over it. I am done. Through. Complete... whatever. I dont care. Everything happens for a reason. Right?
Everyone always tells me.. oh you are so awesome, so sweet blah blah blah.. no one ever understands how busy I am.. no one knows my life... nor wants to wait and get to know it.. so .. whatever. Everyone always leaves... even the ones that are GONE .. leave.. cool :) thanks. Ill be fine single.



G'night.

For my mawmaw

So once again,
My mawmaw is not doing very well.
She has been having really high fevers, and her right leg is discolored and really cold and she also has a "gargle" in her throat, which she cant get rid of... cant eat, cant drink (Much).. so shes not getting her meds. ... . Which they say is all part of the dieing process.,, which sucks!!

I cant imagine my life without her. I know that it has to come to an end... but endings SUCK! I dont want to live without her, it makes me sick to think that I cant go to the nursing home and visit her, or talk to her, or have the HOPE that one day she can get better and come home and live with us again. It hurts so much..

But then I think about the positive ness that has already happened, and it makes me so proud to have such a strong lady as my mawmaw. She has made me such a strong person, and she gave me my mom.. who is also a strong beautiful woman. Without my mawmaw, I would not be who i am. She raised me as a kid, and spoiled me ROTTEN! I dont want to let her go, but I know I have to. I try to suck up my tears, but sometimes they just have to run down me. The hardest part of my life is about to hit me... and im so not ready for it.

But sometimes the most scariest things, are the most meaningful. I dont want to leave her, I dont want to not have her hereeeeee, but Ill be strong and I know that she has made me who i am, and I can do this without her... even though i dont want to. I know she will be in my heart and soul forever, but its not the same as having her to hold, and see everyday. ITS JUST NOT!

GOD please help her.. please be with her. Please be with me and my family.
This hurts.
This is love.
This is pain.
This is sorrow.
This is heart ache.
This is scary.
This is everything I have never wanted.
This is life.

I LOVE YOU MAWMAW!

Teeth sinking into heart

So tonight, I have a lot on my mind.
So many people have come into my life and mean so much to me! I always wonder WHY they are put there, and what there purposes are. Some of these people I fall in love with and out of love. But I think they are put there to teach us meaning. Give us hope for whats next.. Become lifelong friends, or maybe just a moment of time that you can look back on when your older and say WOW, that was an amazing part of my life. I hope that everyone I meet, I can continue to stay in touch with. I dont ever want to say, I wish I wouldve stayed in touch with that person- because I WANT TO! I have met so many awesome people with bands, and actors/actresses.. ENTERTAINMENT in general.. and every one of those people have given me something extraordinary something that people wish to get but never recieve. Something that so many people yearn for, I got! And I am so thankful!

With that being said. My night has been oddly well. I got 2 messages on facebook from 2 people that I adore. One being older than me and one being younger than me. The older person has only been in my life for about 2 years? I think... give or take a little. And everytime we talk we can always get into a deep meaningful conversation. I can always turn to her to listen to me, and i hope she knows she can count on me :). It really helps to have someone to talk to, when you think there is no one anymore. My grandma used to be my SOUL of guidance. Everything that I needed I would go to her for. When i was lonely she gave me love, when I was hungry.. food, desperate for money .. money, haha, and when I was depressed she would always give me advice.. not having her to talk to anymore about things is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Its really hard to see her in the situation she is in. I sometimes go to visit her and she won't even know who I am. Her sickness has her so confused, and its just not her! My mawmaw .. gosh.. my mawmaw is such a beautiful loving soul.. I wish her all the strength and goodness in the world.
The second person I spoke with tonight is a couple years younger than me, but I have known her since she was a baby.. She has always looked up to me and that makes me feel incredible. Sometimes I don't feel like I am someone to be looked up upon, but when I have little spurts of reimbursment of people telling me how much they wish they had a dream. and courage and want to be like me... It just makes me feel like everything I am doing is right. So many people try to knock me down and tell me Im too old for this and that or another.. but its because EVERYONE gives up on their dreams once they get out of highschool... everyone starts families and gets married.. but i really have no intent to do that right now. I want to travel, I want to see whats out there. and to do that I can't have an attatchment keeping me stuck. Im not saying relationships are bad, but its just not what is meant for me at this point of my life.

When you stop dreaming is when life stops.

Thats all.

Birthday Recollections

SOOOOO -
Lets seee... Yesterday was my 20th birthday. Whats the big deal about being 20? NOTHING.. besides the fact that I am no longer a teenager. I went to the Caterie to celebrate last night with my room mate Megan, and it was incredible until I couldnt function! hah! Mangled CRAZINESS! I mean I took pictures that I dont remember. I had so many drinks, I was gone- but im glad I went out! Wish that more people wouldve been there but whatever. LSU starts tom, hurricane Gustav on its way--- screwing up my photoshoots this weekend! I did get an AMAZING JOB day before my birthday and booked my plane ticket to North Carolina yesterday! I cant wait! I will be a photographer/sales lady at Portrait Innovations- within 3 months I can move up to management and travel and be relocated! how awesome! My grandma has been pretty quiet, but peaceful. I love her. ON A LAST THOUGHT- IM SO READY FOR SOME REV THEORY IN MY LIFE!

Oh Photos

So recently, Not only have I NOT written in forever, but I have been taking on a lot of photoshoots, and so BUSYY! Im currently jobless, because I quit the worst job in the world. OKAY- maybe not the worst, but deifnitly close. SO I have interviews this week, and Im hoping for the best. My mawmaw has been pretty sick ... and it makes me pretty upset, but I try to be positive because I still have her here and thats all that matters. Its just hard having to drive to the nursing home and see her, when we both want her to be home and going play bingo and just being with us. I mean ABUSE is just not acceptable to me.. and this makes me LIVID. Just crazyyyy how she went from this at HEALTH SOUTH:



TO THIS at Plaquemine Manor Nursing Home:


And now because of the above, can't really even get out of bed..
BUT shes stilllll the love of my heart, soul and my mind!


As far as my photoshoots, I have had incredible oppurtunites, and hope to eventually be able to work with everyone! I have done a more recent with the 13th gate Haunted House in baton Rouge LA, and this is a little slide show to view.


Anyway besides all of that, I will be heading to Dauphin Island Alabama, for my photoshoot weekend with some amazing photographers! Looking very forward to that!

School SUCKS, once again, but its actually not as bad as i expected!
Soooo good update. The end. HOLLLLLER at me on myspace:

She who DARES to stand where I STOOD.

Being a makeup artist has taught me so many things.. Skin, beauty, artistry.. but mostly i have come to realize that beauty comes within. One day i hope to be able to show the world they dont have to wear makeup to feel beautiful. That all of this learning and artistry doesn't have to be done, and just the beautiful design and skin that is already there is enough.

My PROPOSAL for all women worldwide:
I challenge you to take off the makeup for a week. GO EVERYWHERE without it. Let people see the REAL you, and not the made up character we assume ourselves to be in this everyday life. Take it off and say your not scared so silently. I believe this will help everyone to love REAL and love ourselves real!

Anyway besides the normal motivational I wish I was powerful speech.. heres a little motivational song i found and LOVE. Missy Higgins =]!

I don't know what i've done
Or if i like what i've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That i should go and this should end
Oh and i found my self listening

Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more then i could
She who dares to stand where i stood

See i thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And i think i am just as torn inside

Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more then i could
She who dares to stand where i stood

And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one i've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so i say to you, this is what i have to do.

Cause i don't know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more then i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
She who dares to stand where i stood.