Everyone Always Leaves

So my mawmaw died on November 3rd. My life is so rediculous insane that I cant even remember if I blogged about it. I have been so lonely without her. its like my life is gone lately. Shes the first person that Ive ever lost, and it hurts really bad. I think it would help if I had someone that I could console in but... she was that person for me. I never have relationships.. REAL relationships that I can actually console in.. have someone to hold me and love me... that was her for me... all the time. From when i was a baby, to now. It sucks knowing shes not here, but as much as I know shes not, I feel like she still is .. and I guess part of me still has a hope that she will come back home to me one day.

I am just so stressed out.. and I think it stress's me out more when people that I care about and turn to for help and guidance make fun of me for saying "im stressed out" ... like ... they tell me im to young to even know what stress is. Im freakin 20 .. and probably have just as much if not more stress than anyone older than me. I am a full time college student, have been working 60 hours a week, and working out... plus i had a part time job acting and modeling, AND another part time job at the end of december. I NEVER have time to myeslf, to just put myself together and get everything clear. Its just aggravating. My mom has been my rock fsince alllll of this craziness began, and i dont know if I could do this without her.

On that note.. sometimes I feel like I just wanna move away and illimate all the negative things in my life.. but by doing that, Im also eliminating some of the positive... so how do i get rid of the negative without losing the positive? I dont. I feel like alcohol is one of the main problems in my family and I cant stand it. I dont drink very often and when i do .. I dont pick fights with loved ones just because I want to. Its so freaking frustrating to have someone you love come home and before even saying hi... or hello... they try to pick a fight. SO AGGRAVATING ! I think thats why I cant do realtionsthips.. because Im afraid. I KNOW thats why I cant. I cant run from the things I hate, and I cant get rid of it.. so my life is gonna suck until someone admits they have a problem and stops DRINKING! Enough.

On the positive side, I have been praying every night to St Therese, and I think that she is REALLY helping me get through this state of emtions with my mawmaw. She is holding my hand and touching my heart every step .. every tear.. every moment of every day. My mawmaw is here. She is with us, and I know she is happy :)... I just wish she could still be happy with us.

We also got a huge flat screen, HD tv.. today... and its gorgeous.. had the house to myself for like 2 hours after work.. NICE RELAXATION .. in a room and tv me nor my family ever gets to see because my dad always hogs it. AND GUESS WHAT... THE SANTA CLAUSE CAME ON! i was SOOO excited! MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE.. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR... LET ALONG ONE OF MY FAV. MOVIES OF ALL TIME.. IS THE SANTA CLAUSE... so i was super happy! I remember watching that when i was a little girl and my mawmaw would be there... gosh.. i miss her. MY FAVORITE PART... AT LEAST ONE..
SEEING ISNT BELIEVING, BELIEVING IS SEEING.

Love= well... as you more than likely know by now. Im over it. I am done. Through. Complete... whatever. I dont care. Everything happens for a reason. Right?
Everyone always tells me.. oh you are so awesome, so sweet blah blah blah.. no one ever understands how busy I am.. no one knows my life... nor wants to wait and get to know it.. so .. whatever. Everyone always leaves... even the ones that are GONE .. leave.. cool :) thanks. Ill be fine single.



G'night.